Top 5 Reasons to visit North Korea

Although Kim Jong Il spends most of his time trying to bring the most ridiculous regulations to fruition, he also has apparently dedicated time to building a website! No, seriously, this website looks like it was either built by a technology-illiterate old man (Kim), or one of his 300 children, probably one that is still in elementary school. Oh I forgot, all of the North Korean citizens are Kim's children... isn't that nice?

Anyway, the site can be found at http://www.korea-dpr.com/. If you're interested in becoming a member of the Korean Friendship Association, this is the site for you. Seriously, you can join their fucking fan club. Or, you can just buy a hilariously overpriced signature of Kim Jong Il, signed by Kim himself. Christmas is coming up you know...

So, before you head over to the great nation of North Korea, you may want to check out their website to learn a little bit about their culture... speaking of...

Beautiful North Korean women guide the traffic! What else is there to say about this? Apparently the purpose of this is to save on the electricity bill, but I am not so sure that is what Ill had in mind when he came up with this brilliant idea. Kim Jong Ill has great taste in women. Unfortunately, these are the only women in the country who receive enough nutrition, thanks to Ill, to have breasts. So, don't go around the local clubs expecting to find 10's swarming you... lower your standards a little, you'll be surprised with how far a loaf of bread will get you.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. It would actually be nice to get away from the objects that own us. I have not been on a vacation in years in which I wasn't checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if my girlfriend had once again reminded me that she would murder me in cold blood if I cheated on her.

That being said: not having a cell phone will make things even more interesting when you inevitably get thrown into a Korean jail for mispronouncing their capital city: P'yongyang.

According to state-run media, Kim Jong Ill invented the "double-bread with meat". Because North Korea is void of all western influence, Ill had to create something to compete with the American "Hambuger". Ill invented this great new economical sandwich and a large plant that was capable of feeding all of North Korea's students and teachers. Upon realizing that most of the country is battling famine and this made hardly a dent in the nutritional problem that his citizens face, Kim stoically said "meh."

But anyway, yes, go to North Korea to experience the great "double-bread with meat"! Can't you see yourself lying in a lounge chair on the beautiful beaches of North Korea sipping a daiquiri through a silly straw with a little umbrella. Oh wait, you said "daiquiri"? You just earned yourself some time in a North Korean prison. There, they call them "Jong smoothies".

Kim Jong Ill hates being short. At 5'3, Kim wishes his shortness on nobody else in his glorious country. Because he hates short people so much, he banished all of the short people in Pyongyang to uninhabited islands. It seems like the world would just be a better place without short people.

So, if you are feeling like a troll (or you have a set of titanium balls) and you are short, you might want to venture into Pyongyang in order to see a bunch of confused Koreans, and a red faced Kim Jong Ill declare war on your country of origin.